I knew it was coming, and I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was harder than expected. This week I had to start going back to work and leaving my baby blue eyes at day care.
Chad and I had decided that when I went back to work I would only work on days that he had to go help with installs which is generally Tues.-Thurs. This seemed do-able for me, I would prefer to be at home with Kiley full time but I thought I could handle being away from her 3 days a week. It may be do-able but it is going to take a long time for me to get used to. Every day I have come home and I just can't get enough cuddle time.
The first day was definitely the hardest. Chad and I went to drop her off together and the director met us there early to go over everything. Everything was fine until the director picked her up out of her car seat and she started crying. No, screaming. Red puffy face, tears streaming, and Kiley was just as bad. I think I embarrassed Chad a little because he just patted me on the back and looked uncomfortable. I'm sure she was just unfamiliar with the way she was being held, the smell, everything but she kept looking at me with her big blue eyes like "don't leave me here" and I couldn't handle it, I held her a little longer until we both calmed down and finally headed off to work. The director was very reassuring and while I cried on and off all morning, she was great and texted me at about 10:30 and said "Kiley is doing wonderful. Took a nap, had a bottle, lots of smiles...she is delightful!" I don't think she knows how much that helps. I was able to get through the rest of the day without crying just because of that one little text. Although, all I did was count down the hours till we could go pick her up.
The being away from Kiley all day is definitely the hardest part of going back to work, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be on all levels. First of all, I'm exhausted! At home I had the luxury of sleeping in until 8 and on most days taking an afternoon nap. Now I have to get up at 6 to get Kiley and I ready, after waking up at least once in the middle of the night, and no naps. The last couple of nights Kiley and I have both passed out before 8 p.m. Not to mention, I have been too tired to work out which I had been very diligent about for the last month.
Second, pumping. I am 4-0 for pumping sessions when I am alone at the office and a customer coming out mid-pump. Pretty awkward. Of course when Chad has been there to help with customers and I've needed to go pump, no one has come out. But pumping in general is just harder than breastfeeding. I've had a hard time with my "let down reflex" because I can't focus on something relaxing when I am constantly looking out the window to see if a customer is coming, and the storing and cleaning and all the extra steps are just really difficult when you have work to do.
Kiley however seems to be doing very well. Everyone seems to love her (of course) and she has been taking bottles very well, although not napping as well, which I'm not surprised about. She's a social girl and never wants to sleep when there is noise or bustling going on. In just 3 days we've noticed she is okay not being held all the time, she almost seems to prefer her swing and bouncy chair. Which is great to have her heading towards being more independent but not so good for a mommy who comes home and wants to hold her baby that she hasn't seen all day. Gone are the days of holding my baby all day long and pretty soon she'll be crawling and then walking and wanting to be held less and less. We talked about it though, and she's not going to start doing any of that unless mommy is here to see it for the first time: )
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