A Year of Firsts

It's only been 4 months so I know it's going to be difficult to work through my feelings about my dad passing for quite a while still, but there are some days where it takes everything in me not to check out of life for a day. Today is one of those days.

Today would have been my dad's 58th birthday. And it's the first year I can't call him to tell him "Happy Birthday". Yes, I know I can tell him, and maybe he hears me, but I can't CALL him. I am desperate to talk to him. To hear his voice. To play catch up. I decided I wanted to work today so that I have a purpose for the day, and can't just check out. But here I am, at work and not working, trying to find some way to process what I am feeling. The thing about working (and being in charge of scheduling) is that you are very aware of the date. Every time I look at the date, my first thought is "Oh, today is a significant day." And then I remember this is the day I should be calling my dad to say Happy Birthday but can't. The thing about being at home is that there is no reason for me to look at a calendar and remember.

Luckily there aren't a whole lot of those days: his birthday, my birthday, Christmas... and I know every year will get a little easier, But this year, this first year is full of tears.

We all feel the hurt today even without knowing why. Kiley was going through her dozens of books yesterday and grabbed two she had almost forgotten about. One was from Grandpa Dave, as many are, but this one caught us all off guard. Given to Kiley on her first birthday, it's called On the Night You Were Born. How odd is it that she would pick this book at the same time as my dad's birthday? Chad, who is the official bed time master, asked her what books she wanted to read, got to the inside cover where dad had written Kiley a little note, and almost couldn't finish the book. And at the end, another page made him realize, my dad had picked this book knowing what was coming. The page reads:

"And whenever you doubt just how special you are,
and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
listen for geese honking high in the sky,
they're singing a song to remember you by.
Or look for the polar bears asleep at the zoo,
it's because they've been dancing all night for you."

They then had a long talk about Grandpa Dave, how he loves her and that he is home now but he is always watching over us. And he's right. I know when Wes is looking at nothing in particular but kicking and smiling, that's my dad. I don't know if I believe in spirits, but I do know that if my dad is in some sort of spirit form, he would be here. Watching his grandkids grow. Seeing all of Wes' firsts this year. He laughed for the first time a couple days ago, which I know made my dad's day.